This is titled 'Frustration'.

Ah diabetes. Diabetes, diabetes, diabetes.

What else is there to say?

This has to be one of the most frustrating, challenging, non-conforming, difficult 'thing' I've ever dealt with in my life. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am sick and tired of the constant shift in blood-sugar tides that my little brain can't seem to comprehend.

None of it seems to really make sense.

Writing something off as "just a number" doesn't seem to be a good solution for me. I can't see a 280 and just say "huh, there it is. Let's correct it and move on". Especially not when my little 4 year old bounces around like a tennis ball in a heated match. I can't keep up with the constant shift her body is making. I could do the same thing, the EXACT same thing every day of the week and see different results, everything I think I'm doing right being completely wrong with maybe one or two 'sorta right' moments in-between.

 I feel under-supported by my Endo-team. I feel like I don't have anyone to really 'talk' to about the numbers, and once every 3 months isn't near to cutting it for us at only 7 months in the game. The process of calling a nurse line, leaving a message, HOPING they call you back the next day (and if they do - it's always when you're putting someone to bed w/o your phone, or taking that 2 minute shower)...  I hate that I don't know the explanations or fixes for the issues we frequently run into (different issues, just frequent issues in general), and it takes weeks to get any kind of real response formulated.

Sometimes I hate that there are apparently NO good answers - just 'that's diabetes'.

That's not a good enough answer, damnit. Not by a long shot. Not when your 4 year old little girl depends on YOU to care for her because she can't and whatever you may be doing wrong now, or not responding to quickly enough, or often enough to, can cause her great trouble down the road. How long a high is too high? What if she has insulin on board - LOTS of it - but she's not going down for some unforseen (non-carb related) issue? What if it's NOT sickness and she's STILL high despite double, triple, quadruple her normal meal ratio of insulin being given?

I feel like throwing my arms up and calling a time out but there is no such thing. My brain can't shut it off. I can be in a conversation about any one of a million things and in the back of my mind I'm still thinking about carbs and what caused this or that or what else we should try to do to fix her 'highs after lunch at pre-school every single time' issue.

I'm tired. I'm only 7 months in, and this is her LIFE, and *I'M* tired. Really? I know that probably as an adult and once her constant state of growing, hormones etc level out it will probably a little less crazy, at least I hope for her it will be, but I'm already just burnt out and it's only the beginning.

I don't like not having the answers I need. I don't even know where to try and find them half of the time, and that's almost more awful.

Yeah, I'm that mom right now. I'm venting. I'm feeling sorry for us while still trying to figure out how to successfully 'fight back'. It's a constant struggle, it's a small breath of relief if we get a day, or even half a day of 'normal' numbers.  I feel like that's rare.

I'm still waiting for insurance to approve a pump we should clearly have. I started the process, which I was told typically takes 1-3 weeks, about 2 weeks before we left for Maui. So about close to 7 weeks now, we've been in this back and forth BS process. What a joke. And do these people have anything but FAX machines? Who has a fax machine! Get with the program! Welcome to fricking 2012.

I have a 2nd 'pump start' appointment for the end of June and I had better be able to keep it this time. I already had to move it back a month once, I don't see what the problem is here. Pretty standard process, we meet all of the criteria. It's just irritating. I feel like calling someone over there and asking if they'd like to be the one responsible if my child ends up having a seizure or in a low coma because of their stupid lazy paperwork process. She's a real person, and I want her on a pump to help try and achieve better, more manageable results. I'm starting to see the uphill battle we're all going to face from here moving forward. It's bleak, people.

Sorry for the downward post here, but it's my blog and this is where we are.  Add in a 2 year old who has found his voice (his voice mainly involving screaming, yelling in frustration, or crying hysterically over something) and uses it more than your average bear and I have to admit I'm at ropes end right now. I just need something to be easy. Just for a little while. Even just a little easy would be ok. Really.