One of 'those' moments.

When I say 'those' moments, I am probably typically referring to a time when I am remembering what it was like before diabetes. And it's funny, the little things that you take not necessarily for granted but just genuinely shouldn't and wouldn't have to think twice about under normal healthy-life circumstances.

Mothers Day for some reason felt bigger to me this year. I added a new badge (if you will) to my list of mommy duties... a pretty major one. Not just your bumps and bruises nurse badge, but the external pancreas badge. It's been very hard fought, and sometimes I still fight for it, but it's been a big deal in my mom-world life. No, I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, I'm trying to celebrate the ability to adjust and evolve! As a person, as a caregiver, and as a mommy to a little diabetic girl who really does need me every single day right now.

This is a big load to bear, worth it - obviously, however daunting and all encompassing it can be at times. I remember last year for my 30th birthday my very dear friend, Bethany, and I took a whirlwind 3 night vacation to Scottsdale for a spa weekend getaway.  We joked about making it an annual getaway (or at least making AN annual getaway!). It was fabulous! So much has changed since then. As much as I would love to get away I'm not sure how easily I could do it (and I don't mean logistically... I mean I don't know that I could do it).

Anyway, a wonderful day was set for me. I felt so appreciated and honored, so loved. I had time off (Yay!), I got hand picked flowers (double yay!) and a thoughtful card from my wonderful husband with a special surprise inside. In the afternoon we decided to go downtown to check out the antique fair going on - a very mothers day-ish thing to do, I was excited. Sadly, Sierra wasn't feeling it. Not because of any diabetes related things, she was just totally being 4. Ah 4. We lasted about 5 minutes in the fair before dragging her to gap to get new sunglasses because apparently it was too windy, and too bright. And she needed water because she was dyyyiiinnnnggggg of thirst right that minute. So we decide to go to a local pub, grab a beer and a water for her and just relax before dinner.

Here's the 'moment'. We're both hungry. We don't have her insulin on hand because it's a short outing and she had a snack before we left - and we're eating dinner in 30-40 minutes anyway. Sadly... the option to buy food for ourselves wasn't going to pan out very easily. What do you get? Theres nothing on a pub menu that she could nibble on (and what 4 year old wouldn't want snacky greasy foods placed in front of them on a platter anyway?). And there it was... ahh the blissfully easy days of pre-diabetes. Enjoy it folks. The ability to grab a snack for you and/or your kid at will without having to hunt down olives or string cheese or straight up meat is a time treasured thing I miss. Thankfully once we are on the pump we can work around this easily, but on our current program it's a little bit of a crappy reminder.

Anyway I digress, I don't know where I'm going with that. I just mean to say a lot has changed for all of us. Especially Sierra. Hell, our whole family. I wonder often how this may effect Max, I mean for better or worse he's along for the ride. I wonder about her future, hoping and thinking of a bright spot where she will be everything she wants to be in life. I wonder about her additional challenges, her relationships, her learning, the effect her lack of a functioning pancreas.

I think about all of these things on a fairly regular basis knowing full well I can only do what I can do, and so can she. It's still difficult to wrap your head around sometimes, even living it day in and day out.

These moments pop up now and then and really all you can do is shrug, give a sad smile, and move on. So I have to read every label, count every goldfish and grape - it could be so much worse. I'll take it. And she'll be fine.

Now if our pump would just arrive already...