What white flag?

Last night, like so many random nights in the last year, I was really wishing there were a white flag I could wave to make it all go away.

Despite the help in preventing long and severe highs and lows for Sierra, and we are ever grateful for that from the G4 - it's saved too many to count at this point, it hasn't been a good friend to my already lackluster sleeping habits. I think since we've gotten it I've only "only" been up one time at night as I was previously (generally speaking) a handful of times. More typically these days, it's 2-5 times a night.

Yeah. 2-5. Last night was a 4 timer if you include me staying up until 11:30 trying to see if her number would reduce (PLEASE EFFING GO DOWN) before doing a 2nd set change of the day out of fear she'd run high most of the night and into the morning if I didn't.

What's worse? Waking a 4 year old at 11:30 to stick a tube in, or to wait until 2? I figured I'd be more sleepy/half alive at 2, and opted to just get it done with. We'd just done a new set roughly 3.5-4 hours earlier when she went very high ("spiked") after a great day and a VERY low carb dinner. Turns out she had a 'kink' in her tub. What's a kink you ask? Basically what it sounds like - somehow the tube has bent inside of her and isn't administering insulin properly (or at all).

Anyway, after an epic 30 minutes battle of wills between myself and the very tired 4 year old (I had to win, so it was really just war with my patience and ability to play the nice nurse instead of flipping out because I was really tired too), we managed to get the new set in. Sadly, upon just finishing up the new set I snuck a peek (for the 90th time) at the new CGM - low and behold, the number had dropped over 40 points in the last 5 minutes. Figures. The previous set was fine. The last 30 minutes was a waste of stress, sleeplessness, and my poor kid has another new hole in her.

WTF.

I hate this disease. Hate it. I don't really know how else to put it out there clearly. It is the most ridiculous, frustrating, helpless thing I've ever encountered and it just doesn't QUIT. It's like she wasn't *allowed* to have just ONE great day. Just one! Her numbers all day, for the first time in I don't know HOW long, were actually in range 95% of the time. I mean, that's downright miraculous if you check the logs for the last good while. Nope. Couldn't stick with it through the night.

With her finally coming down, I finally got to bed close to midnight... and was alarmed awake by the CGM at 1:39am. She's going low now. Guess that extra insulin REALLY kicked in over the last hour, 4 hours later (from when she got her last correction). Awesome. Shuffle through the cold house to get some sugar-filled things. Give her juice and a few goldfish (ie: wake her up. AGAIN). Ok. Good to go. Shuffle back to bad.

2:12am, the stupid monitor we use to hear her alarms at night decides now is a good time to beep annoyingly while 'searching for a link'. Something it does I dunno, not that often but enough to make me want to smash it with a hammer every damn time. Ok. Back to sleep.

3:34am, alarming low again. More juice. A tablet, and some crackers.

Finally, back to bed again. Finally sleeping. Frank is up 5am showering for an early work day. Back to sleep, Sisi is up at just before 7am, coming in to tell me 'wow I'm tired!'.

I hear ya girl. I hear ya.

I know we were missing a lot of these little highs and lows (at least the longevity of them) and having the CGM is invaluable to her health.

Unfortunately, some days I feel so much like the walking dead I'm not certain how much longer I can really hang in there waking up this many times a night. You expect it with a newborn. Even so much as through the first 9-12+ months of your childs(rens) life. Ok. I can do it. I can make it a year. Then it's cry it out time - BOOYA.

Sadly... this 'end of the road' stuff isn't in sight here, and it's disheartening after nights like last night. How do you function? How will SHE function if this is going to be her life, until or if or when they finally manage to find a system that can help while still valuing the very important nature of REST? What option do we have? "Ignore" what's happening at night? That obviously isn't the best course, for numerous reasons. I have a love/hate relationship with the CGM right now, as though it's the things fault I'm getting worse sleep than ever lol. I guess it is and it isn't. It's hard to be both grateful and spiteful at the same time.

I feel for all of my parents-of-little-diabetics out there. Those just starting, those years in, who know that without coffee we quite possibly wouldn't make it walking through the days sometimes. And thank goodness for partners who can pick up a night here and there despite THEIR work schedules and responsibilities too, so that at least when you hear the alarm you know someone else is on top of it and you can rest a little more.

So friends, if you see me today, or on a day like today, just know I'm not purposely zoning out or blinking into space because I don't care.

I'm just really, really, really effing tired.

Here's to hoping for a better night... or maybe 2.